Now other than the obvious – playing the riff of Thunderstruck or the “Thuhn–daa! Nuh-huh-uh-uh-huh-huh-uh-uh!” part every time we score – each player needs a unique song to celebrate when they score a basket or do something worthwhile. Some more than others, because it doesn’t happen very often (Mo Sene.) Since the team is new and to my best knowledge, they may not be settled on this, I thought I’d lend a hand. Some are more ridiculous than others, but what the heck. All in good fun, right? Right? Hello?
Robert Swift. Tough decision here. First I settled on Crazy Train (for obvious reasons) and just blast the “Aye! Aye! Aye!” part. But then I reviewed recent pictures of Big Robert with the freakish Carrott Top hair and the painted nails and the tats and all that stuff and I thought just playing this entire video might be more appropriate. (Disclaimer: if you haven’t seen this movie, I recommend to stop watching at about 2:38. Some things can’t be unseen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
Johan Petro. I remember in like my third grade music class, we learned this song called Alouette. It was some French song about pulling the feathers off a bird. Whatever. But evidently, football fans (not the good football) of Chelsea sing a version of this song loudly at bars while the team plays. Petro is French. Check. The song is French. Check. Loud chanting and yelling in the Ford Center. Triple check.
Kevin Durant. Honestly, nothing sounded good. Maybe I misheard, but I could’ve swore I heard an announcer call him the Big Train. (He’s from DC just like the real Big Train, Walter Johnson, so it fits I guess.) So maybe a steam train whistle? Boring and lame city. Whatever is picked for KD has to be cool because there’s potential to hear it 10 to 15 times a night. When I think of KD, I think of cold-blooded killer, as in cold-blooded scorer. So let’s just nickname him Jules and play this when he scores. So maybe that really won’t fit into the context of a basketball game, but I can dream right?
Mo Sene. He’s from Senegal. Which is in Africa. Play the first four seconds and you’ve got a winner here. I hope Mo scores 60 a night.
Jeff Green. Lots of people are calling Jeff Green a sidekick – Robin to Kevin Durant’s Batman. The Dwight Schrute to Michael Scott (or Dwigt to Agent Michael Scarn). The Ed McMahon to Johnny Carson. So what’s the best sidekick to use? Mr. Smithers, Fall Out Boy, Goose, Tattoo from Fantasy Island? I choose the best sidekick ever – General Disarray. As to what to actually play when he scores, you tell me. I just know that Jeff Green = General Disarray which in turn means Kevin Durant = Professor Chaos. Nickname solved.
Joe Smith. Ok, so I couldn’t come up with anything for ol‘ Joe. But word is, he has to wear one of those protective masks for a while because of his broken nose. So we could just cop out and play a clip from “The Mask.” Maybe “SMOKIN‘!” or the whole Cuban Pete dance or even just this. But I say let’s take it a step further. Let’s play a clip of the real man in the mask.
I just hope Joe doesn’t get suckered into doing something this embarrassing.
Chris Wilcox. Ok, so I couldn’t come up with anything, so I just picked my favorite song from when I was six.
Kyle Weaver. This was the most obvious choice for me. “Westbrook penetrates, kicks to Weaver standing open for three. Weaver, rises… KNOCKS IT DOWN FOR THREE!” Crowd erupts. Cue the chorus of this.
Nick Collison. I looked up his nickname. Evidently, it’s “Mr. USA Basketball.” Lame. So I’ve got nothing… nothing… nothing… ah heck, just play this.
Earl Watson. Probably the worst pick here, but just cop out and play the opening bars of Duke of Earl by Gene Chandler. But if that’s what we played, then maybe we could nickname Earl “The Duke” and play this instead. Much better. Pilgrim.
Damien Wilkins. Damien really hasn’t accomplished a whole lot in his four-year career, but his uncle sure did. I vote just play one clip after another of uncle Human Highlight Film doing one awesome dunk after another.
So that’s it for now. No D.J. White because he won’t be playing for a while and no John Lucas Three because who knows if he’ll have a jersey. And just as a bonus – I think Coach Peej should be nicknamed “Dr. Thunder.” He looks like a doctor with his glasses over his nose and who doesn’t love the awesome generic brand of Dr. Pepper?
Who knows if management will listen to my plea. I asked for Never Been to Spain for the game closer, so we’ll have to wait and see there. But, please at least play MAAAAA–SAAAA–BAAINYAAA!!! when Mo Sene scores. I don’t ask for much.