Still don’t have a Mother’s Day gift? Are you standing at Walgreens staring at cards and wanting to jump into a lake of thumbtacks? Do you know, no matter you do, your gift is going to suck?
Then let Ebay help! Because I was bored, I searched “Oklahoma City Thunder” on Ebay. And as I was looking through some of the exquisite merchandise, I thought to myself, “You know, I’m sure I could turn this into a gag column somehow. Hey! Mother’s Day is this weekend!” And here we are.
10. Two tickets to the Thunder-Raptors game that happened over a month ago. Just $20 with free shipping! How could you say no? So what that the game was March 27 and Toronto already won, 112-96. Pretend it’s like live DVR. Go to Air Canada Arena, walk inside and visualize Oklahoma City getting absolutely pounded for four quarters. You better hurry, because I’m staring down that Buy It Now button right now.
9. D.J. White’s rookie card. I’d buy the card for D.J.’s insanely awesome smile and pose alone. Seriously, take a gander at that. I also like that at the time the card was made, OKC didn’t have uniforms, so D.J. was in the generic Adidas warmups. That’ll make it rare in 50 years.
8. Framed Kevin Durant signed picture. For the low price of $149.99, you can have KD’s signature to look at all the time! How awesome! I’d buy this bad boy just to burn it. In Royce’s “Top 50 Things That Piss Me Off,” a grown man getting an autograph of an athlete ranks right around 42, but a grown man getting an autograph and then promptly turning around and selling it, is definitely in the top 10. I think it should be federal law that if you are over the age of 16, you aren’t allowed to get an autograph unless you have signed documentation proving it is for a person under 16. And also, if you are attempting to get an autograph from an athlete with the intention of selling it two days later, you will immediately be set on fire. I’m sure when KD signed it that person said, “Thanks Kevin. You’re the man. You’re the MAN! Thanks so much!” when they were really thinking, “Thanks KD for making me 150 bucks. Amazing that me standing here and having you scribble something on your picture is going to make me this much money. I bet that dumb kid behind me wishes he was me right now. Too bad he forgot to bring a pen. Idiot. Now I’m going to go kill a puppy.”
6. Thunder floor mats for your automobile. I think this item really speaks for itself. You’ve got to love sports marketing. “Uh, what else can we slap our logo on and sell? Can we put it on Bible’s? Can we do that? How about garden tools? You think someone would buy that? Or better yet, people’s lawns. Let’s get a decal that covers someone’s entire yard.”
5. A Thunder flask. Every mom needs one of these. Especially maybe at the end of a long Mother’s Day spent with me.
4. FOUR tickets to the Thunder-Warriors game last February. You’ve got to get these. OKC may have lost 133-120, but this was Thabo’s first game! Oops – I just spoiled it. Oh well. But these are four tickets (take the whole family!) in the lower level for the low, low price of, holycrap $719.99 a piece? Uh maybe not.
3. An opening night ticket stub. I can’t believe I threw mine away. I could have made 14 yammers off of it! And this isn’t the fancy season ticket style with the logo and the colors and such. This is the plain-jane Ticketmaster style. What a piece of memorabilia. Too bad it wasn’t the Ticketfast, print at home style. That would have been even worse better. But seriously, who went to opening night and thought, “I need to save this and sell it on Ebay. I could make a fortune!” Face on the ticket was $25 and so with free shipping, you’re buying the stub at 44 percent off the original purchase price. That’s what you call a bargain right there.
2. Thunder earrings. Now we’re talking. Look at those beauties. And they come from Hong Kong. Who would have thought there would be Thunder fans manufacturing earrings in the Far East? Mom will love them. That is, if she’s crazy.
1. Mouhamed Sene poster. I would say hurry up and buy it, but too late. This one is wrapped up and ready for my mom. I think she’ll love it. Wait, good news – there’s more than 10 available. But you better hurry up. I may be buying a few more just in case.
Bonus gift: A Oklahoma City Thunder Sonics putting green. That’s what you call false advertising right there. Like I’m going to fall for that. I can understand pictures you know.
Number 1 gift NOT to get. Yeah, this would be a bad idea. Though it would match the earrings.