Originally, I was going to come up with an actual list of gift ideas for a Thunder fan. I’m a man of the people and I want to help out any shoppers out there. But all I got was “basketball tickets” and then I couldn’t think of anything else. So I decided to be a tad more abstract. If Santa were real (which he absolutely is, 12-and-under DT readers), and he could grant us Thunder fans anything we wanted before this holiday season is up, what should we ask for? Here is my list and I did not check it twice:
12. A Phoenix Suns losing streak
The Suns started hot (see what I did there? harf!), but have cooled (!!!) lately, losing five of seven in December. We all know about how OKC owns the Suns unprotected first round pick this year and while it looks very unlikely the Suns will fade (jfshfbsf!!!) it’s definitely possible. Consider: Last season at this time, Phoenix was 15-10, before eventually slipping and falling short of the postseason. I would never wish injuries on a team, but if Amar’e Stoudamire’s retina decides to explode again and Steve Nash loses an arm in a farming accident, I’m just saying I’m not going to cry over it.
11. A Daily Thunder shirt, of course
Does this really need an explanation? The shirts should be completely re-stocked and ready to roll here very soon. My apologies if you missed out on the last go. I didn’t anticipate them flying off the shelves quite like this. But seriously though, thanks for buying them.
10. Kevin Durant’s 3-point shot to return to its rightful owner
Really, I feel like this should be No. 1. I’ll confess I care a little too much about KD’s statistics and standing among the great players in the league. I watch his line every night with a hawk’s eye. If he starts 3-11 from the floor with two 3-point misses, I kick through a window barefooted. Then I start thinking, “OK, if he hits his next three shots, now he’s 6-14. That’s not too bad.”
And while Durant has had a fantastic start to this season, his 3-point shot has been strangely inconsistent. So far, he’s hitting just 29 percent from deep, compared to 42 percent last year. But the good news is, things are looking up in December. KD is 13-34 this month from 3, which is 38 percent. A strong run in January and February like he had last year where hit 45 percent those two months combined would be very nice.
9. A mustache for Nick Collison
Nick teased us with one via Twitter this summer, nearly sending Clark Matthews into a seizure he was so happy. And I’m on the bandwagon. I want some lip fur for Nick. Consider this the beginning of the Collison Mustache Campaign. I don’t know how we’ll influence this exactly, but seriously Nick, grow out a little pelt under your nose. Doesn’t matter the style – the Handlebar, Rollie Fingers, the Male Porn Star, the Lampshade – just give us something.
8. More minutes for James Harden
I feel like I have to preface this with, “I love Thabo.” I don’t necessarily want Harden to cut into Thabo’s minutes, but I just want more burn for The Beard. No, he’s not anything the defender like Thabo is. But he does add a completely other dimension to this team offensively. Sometimes things go stale and you’re looking at the bench hoping for Harden. He can hit the 3, drive and dish, get out and run or just get in the lane and go to the line. He’s dynamic and it’s time for him to get in the upper 20s with his minutes.
Having a baby boy? Just find out? Want to frame your ultrasound in a gag NBA frame? Then this item is just for you. You can start pressuring your future son and vicariously living through him even BEFORE he’s born! And as an added feature, you can place completely unreasonable expectations on him. Don’t let anyone tell you this gift is just a joke or something cute. It’s FOR REAL.
6. A three-game winning streak
For all the success this team has had so far, one thing that hasn’t been accomplished is a three-game run of wins. OKC has won two straight four times, but hasn’t had a chance to put together a real streak. They really blew a chance at it with a home loss to the Clippers back in November. But before 2009 closes, there is a good opportunity there. I’m not afraid to point out road games anymore because this team can win away from home. So I’m looking at a home win against Charlotte and two roadies over New Jersey and Washington. Or if you don’t like that, maybe you could get behind one starting this week: two home wins over Dallas and Detroit and then some revenge over the Rockets in Houston. I could see it happening.
5. Nick Collison to return to Twitter
I just can’t take one witty Nick comment once every month. I need more! During the offseason, I’d actually get a little excited when I’d see he tweeted something. Now his last update was Dec. 6 and before that, Nov. 24. I was really looking forward to some of the clever stuff Collison could drop in 140 characters on us throughout this season. Come on Nick. Bring it back. And a mustache. Don’t forget that.
4. Four more Ebay gifts just for fun:
A “Your Team Sucks” shirt: If OKC is to take it to the next level, its fans have to stop being so kind and classy and turn into arrogant pricks. Laker and Celtic fans are nodding right now.
A Thunder Garden Gnome: I mean, who wouldn’t want that? You could even get a little sign to stick next to it that says, “Welcome to Thunder Gnome.”
Some tickets with a butt on them: I guess that’s how you advertise a pair of tickets on Ebay. (Link potentially not safe for work)
Kevin Durant McFarlane figure: This is actually is pretty cool, except that KD kind of looks like Dikembe Mutombo. I used to be really into Starting Lineups. These McFarlane things have kind of replaced them which is a darn shame. Starting Lineups were awesome.
3. Another Broingtons video
This was originally going to be a wish asking for KD and Russell Westbrook to cut their turnovers down, but in the end, I had to consider what was most important. I’ve spent all morning perusing YouTube trying to find what I think would be the perfect video and I can’t really come up with anything. Mainly because my musical tastes don’t extend much further than five artists. Maybe an NWA song and they could all wear the shirt, with a special guest appearance from Nenad Krstic? I am foaming at the mouth. Or better yet, any song and they could wear a Broingtons shirt. My head just exploded.
2. A game-worn D.J. White mask
You’ve got to think they’ll auction that bad boy off when he’s finished with it. And why wouldn’t they? I can’t even imagine the bids rolling in for a smeared, sweaty, stinky plastic face covering. My wife absolutely HATES those masks. When I floated the idea of Richard Hamilton back in May, she flipped out and said, “That’s the face mask guy, isn’t it? NO THANK YOU.” I don’t know what’s weirder: Her irrational hate of plastic face masks or her irrational love for Mo Williams.
1. A plus .500 2009
Nothing would make me happier. Not even a super porn stache from Nick. Well, maybe a super porn ‘stache from Nick. But not too many other things would make me happier. There are nine games left before 2010 starts up. Right now, OKC sits at 12-11. So. For you smarties, that means the Thunder needs to go at least 5-4 to finish on the high side of .500. A 4-5 run would be .500, which wouldn’t be all that bad. I’d take that if you were going to give me a Collison lip sweater and a D.J. White plastic mask. I’m flexible.
So come on Thunder Santa. I’ve been good. I swear. Just don’t put a losing streak in my stocking. I haven’t been that bad.