Welcome to the NBA, Steven Adams (and Andre Roberson, I guess)! We here in Oklahoma City are so thrilled(ish) you have been chosen to be a part of our team. The NBA lifestyle can be a tricky thing to get right and you’ll be sure to have some ups and downs.
So, to make things a bit smoother I have come up with a list that will not only help you fit in with your new teammates (also known as “brodies”) and make your life easier, but will also ensure big time popularity with Thunder fans. You’re welcome.
1) Get a PikePass. I wish I could say you will get immediate playing time but let’s be honest, you probs won’t. You will be sent to the D-League more times than you can keep track of and my poor husband will tweet your whereabouts more than anyone can keep track of. The good thing is the road from OKC to Tulsa and back is a very easy drive. But, you’ll need a PikePass. You can apply here. I would provide directions but you probably won’t need them because you won’t be making this trip alone.
2) Carpool. I know it’s like, super cool that you are on the same team as Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook and now have their phone numbers but the people you really need on speed dial are Jeremy Lamb, Perry Jones, Daniel Orton, and DeAndre Liggins. They are seasoned Kilpatrick Turnpike drivers. Stick with them and they will get you to Tulsa your first few times.
3) Pedicures. When you’re in OKC it’s a must to get pedicures as much as possible and you’ll need to get them done at Nails by Helen. It’s where your new brodies like to go. Oh, and make sure you Instagram that. I mean, duh.
4) Speaking of Instagram, here is a little lesson on the art of an NBA athlete’s Instagram account. First of all, go get one! I checked and RealStevenAdams is totes available. Hurry! Okay, now that you are an Instagramer, make it look like you don’t care what it looks like or that you’re caught off guard. Need an example? Just take a look at this and this. Also, I need multiple angles of your gameday attire. Wait, what? You don’t take pregame photos of yourself? Well, now you do. Take a look at this one. One more tip: peace signs are all the rage. But make sure you do it sideways like this and this.
5) Wardrobe. Now that you have a nice, sizable contract with money to spare make sure you look good. There will be times you are on the bench and not in uniform. I’m sorry about that, trust me, I am. But let’s move forward quickly and talk about your gameday style. Now, you’re lucky to have Fashion Forward King, Russell Westbrook on your team so, please, take advantage of that. Daniel Orton went like, 243 games last season in the same jacket. Do not make the same mistake. This is your warning.
6) Accessories. When you are in Thunder blue or white really, really think about your in-game accessories. There are so many options for a player these days from tights to sleeves to headbands and it’s okay if it takes you a few games to nail down your selection. But I will tell you this, steer clear of the headband. You’re young, so no one will think you are using it to cover up your receding hairline (we’re all looking at you, LeBron) but the headband just isn’t something that screams cool and it definitely doesn’t say “OKC.” Here’s why. Let’s take a look at Ronnie Waste of a Trade Brewer. He wears a headband and we all see how well that worked out for him when he moved to OKC. I know people will say he just wasn’t good enough but we all know it’s because of that headband. Another person to sporadically wear a headband in his early days? James Harden. You see my point.
7) Image. The Thunder loves, and I mean LOVES to talk about, be known for, whatever, their image. For the most part, the team at least looks pretty conservative. I mean, check out Kevin Durant’s business tattoos. Very classy, obvs. Don’t worry though, if you go off and get a sleeve of tatts it’s okay. Just make sure you don’t get a tattoo that says, “The Game Chose Me.” You’ll soon come to find out that Thabo has that covered. Also, I’m not ready to have beards on buildings and t-shirts again. It’s just still too soon. So make sure you keep your facial hair to a minimum, please.
8) Thunderstruck. You know, that movie KD was in where his talent was stolen? Don’t ever make fun if it because KD was super proud of that cinematic masterpiece. And anything that makes KD sad makes me sad.
9) Handshakes. I’ll tell you this first, Thunder players take their pregame routines very seriously. Last season the NBA came up with a rule that you only have 90 seconds from the end of starting lineups to tip off, also known as The Thunder Rule. They were one of the first teams to get a delay of game technical and a source close to the situation, okay, Royce, states that they actually, probably, broke that rule at least 82 times last year. I think they tried to go faster but it was just a lost cause. So, while you are at home thinking about your first NBA game just remember, people will be watching you well before the ball is tipped. Think of something cool, grab a partner, and keep it short!
10) Past Thunderers. When you get some time on your hands go take a look at some Cole Aldrich and Byron Mullens game/practice film. And do the exact opposite of them.
Oh, by the way, there is a Cheesecake Factory in OKC and Tulsa. Is this your lucky day or what?