The most exciting thing about the Jazz this year is that John Stockton used to play for them and he’s releasing a book. You remember Stockton. He’s one of the greatest players of all time, looks like your friend’s dad, and he’s heavily into going to the NAIA National Tournament to shout at the officials whenever they don’t give Westminster calls. It’s true. I saw it. His wife wore this cheetah print cardigan, was super tan, and screamed “Come on” a lot. The book’s called Assisting: An Autobiography. You know, because of passing.
The lack of League Pass in my life means I’m forced to watch the game on a not-all-the-way legal stream. I get to listen to Utah’s announcing duo, too, which is some kind of joy. ROOT Sports, they call it. Matt Harpring’s hair looks like he’s an extra in Catching Fire. The hair stylist just went scorched earth on his sideburns. That mop is trolling me so I’m going to avoid any jokes about dead, roadside animals because I assume the cheese that’s out there wide open in front is there because I’m going to die if I eat it. I step around you, dry mousse flavored cheese. I move it along.
Harpring’s color commentary is some of the worst in the league and, along with Sean Elliot, is a shining like eighty suns example as to why former players should never be allowed to color commentate for their old teams. Partisan hackery, it is. He tried to explain the term “posterized” at one point, which has to be the whitest, most Dad thing ever and he guaranteed that Derrick Favors would be third in the league in rebounding, which makes sense until you remember that Kevin Love, Dwight Howard, Zach Randolph, Marc Gasol, David Lee, Nikola Vucevic, and a host of other players all still exist.
The game itself was ugly. There was poor execution by both teams when it mattered and the Thunder played bad defense for stretches — Alec “Berg” Burks is apparently the second coming of Iverson. Gordon Hayward has the hair of a member of Arcade Fire, a sort of Suburbs era Win Butler cut. Any time they cut to Trey Burke on the bench — and thank goodness he didn’t play as this could’ve very well been a season opening L had he — he just looked sad.
Serge has to play better and one would think that he will. The ten rebounds were nice but his offensive game was atrocious. He’ll hit those mid-range jumpers going forward. Outside of Garnett last year there was no four in the league better at that eighteen footer. Just wasn’t there last night. Reggie Jackson had a nice floor game aside from the turnovers. He hangs onto the ball and he’s a bright spot last night instead of it being the other way around. Royce is right, though, seems like that guy just doesn’t miss free throws when they matter. Kevin Durant is still a heaven sent mixture of silk and anger brought forth to do damage to those who would dare stop him. He is the ocean at night. Silk had it going. 42 points. Coupled that with 6 boards. He didn’t shoot the ball great from the field but it is good to know he’s still great buddies with the free throw line.
It’s one game. The execution will be better. No need to start firing off all the distress flares just yet.
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When you’re a boring person and you live in a small town and you can find nothing to do and it’s in the days before Netflix you will, sometimes, get in your F-150 and head across the bridge that goes over the top of I-40 to visit Taco Bueno to cop a couple chicken soft tacos. You’ll order a plain flour tortilla, too, and the man handling the drive through window will look at you funny and ask why you ordered just a plan tortilla and you’ll tell him you know it’s weird but you like them. They’ll shake their head. Then you’ll go to the video store and rent movies and whole television shows because your video store is one of your best friends.
Whenever the Blockbuster across the parking lot from the Chili’s next door to the AT&T store over by the mall in Shawnee first began its going out of business sale I went there to get the entire series of The Office on DVD. It was my assumption I could get it for cheap. I was wrong. It was not cheap. Not at all.
What I did instead was pick up the first three seasons of Entourage on DVD, a show that I’d seen a few episodes of on account of my friend Evan being a big fan — he wound up naming his awesome dog Drama, in fact. A shoutout to Johnny Drama and a testament to what will happen if you deliver one of the greatest monologues in the history of television. Little language there, so be careful if that bothers you.
I watched the first three seasons and enjoyed them immensely. It was a fun show, but I suppose I understand if you don’t feel the same way. You just better be prepared to disagree with Kevin Durant. Durant loves him some Entourage. He loves it so much. On Tuesday of this week, when it was declared that the Entourage movie was “a go”, Durant tweeted this. The best day of his life.
Someone should do something to get Durant a role in this thing. He’s equipped for it. He can hit whatever note you need. Thunderstruck, his Nike, Foot Locker, and Sprint spots, in all of them he’s acting beyond his peers. Look at the delivery of the line here at the 30 second mark. The patience he shows throughout the scene. This is acting outside time, acting beyond the era you’re presently in. Like what Brando did in On The Waterfront, Phoenix in The Master, or Horrigan in Brink!, Little Giants, and Escape To Witch Mountain.
I don’t know who we need to talk to. Maybe it’s Mark Wahlberg. Maybe it’s Adrien Grenier. OR MAYBE WE JUST TAKE IT TO THE CYBER STREETS AND GO TO HOME BOX OFFICE’S FRONT DOOR WITH OUR DEMANDS. MAYBE WE GO THERE WITH FLAMES AND TORCHES AND GET WHAT WE WANT OR WE BURN IT ALL DOWN. CLICK THIS LINK AND BE A HERO.
If Betty White can make it on SNL then there’s no reason for Durant to not be in this movie. He’s too humble a man to make it happen himself so we’re going to do it for him. We’re strong. Our voices can shake the earth. Sign the petition. I link to it twice because it’s important. Share it. Let’s start a movement. Let’s make a real difference.
Kevin Durant is Queens Boulevard.