Man I wish I could get away from this subject. I just want to pack up, jump in my car and drive away from it. But it’s always in my rear-view mirror. It’s like Walker, Texas Ranger. Per usual, Bill Simmons has been referring to Oklahoma City as “The Team That Shall Not Be Named” and taking it so far as to bleep “Oklahoma City” in podcasts when he slips. You know, keeping up with his shtick. He gets these shticks and themes and he runs with them. And a lot of times, I love him for it. It’s funny, it’s witty and it’s clever. Not so much this time. In his latest mailbag, he let a question from a guy in Tulsa slip through.
Q: You are unfairly killing an entire fan base with your refusal to call the (Team That Shall Not Be Named) by its name. In your attempt to make another state feel better (rightly deserved) you are coming across as a pompous jerk to another one. Can you please start calling our team by its proper name?
– John H., Tulsa, Okla.
SG: No way. It’s like (TTSNBN) was a married couple and couldn’t conceive a child on their own, so they went and stole another couple’s kid (in this case, Seattle’s) after proving in court that the kid was living in an aging house and deserved to live in a new one … but then, in the insult of insults, it turned out they lived in a house that was just as old and decrepit as the kid’s old house. How would you expect me to support this? You stole their team. I will continue to call it The Team That Shall Not Ne Named, the Bennett City Hijackers and the Seattle SloppySeconds. And if it costs me every reader in Hijack City, so be it — I have 49 other states and hundreds of other countries to work with. I’ll be fine. You stole someone else’s team. If you were friends with a buddy who stole another buddy’s wife, you would not be friends with that person anymore. Hijack City is not my friend. At least until Seattle remarries.
Bill’s wrong here. It’s more like what happened in Gone Baby Gone. (If you haven’t seen Gone Baby Gone, stop reading and do it. It’s good. Plus, I’m about to spoil it.) The ending to that movie caused instant debate among friends. You had Group A (Oklahoma City) that thought the little girl was better off staying with her new parents even though they stole her. Morgan Freeman was going to be able to give her everything Amy Ryan couldn’t. She would be loved, cherished and even spoiled at times. She’d have a nice house, nice clothes and grow up happy and healthy. Her new parents would give her attention and love and have everything she deserved.
But you had Group B (Seattle) that thought the little girl should stay with her rightful mother. She birthed her, she raised her and no matter how terrible of a mother she is, it’s her daughter dadgumit! So what that she lived in a cramped apartment and it was a mess all the time. And so what that the mother was a crack addict that ignored her baby and went out on dates with strange men. She gave birth to her and that’s that. Doesn’t matter if she left her at home by herself while she went out and got high. She came from her, so she can’t go anywhere, no matter what the situation. Keep Reading…