Still don’t have a Mother’s Day gift? Are you standing at Walgreens staring at cards and wanting to jump into a lake of thumbtacks? Do you know, no matter you do, your gift is going to suck?
Then let Ebay help! Because I was bored, I searched “Oklahoma City Thunder” on Ebay. And as I was looking through some of the exquisite merchandise, I thought to myself, “You know, I’m sure I could turn this into a gag column somehow. Hey! Mother’s Day is this weekend!” And here we are.
10. Two tickets to the Thunder-Raptors game that happened over a month ago. Just $20 with free shipping! How could you say no? So what that the game was March 27 and Toronto already won, 112-96. Pretend it’s like live DVR. Go to Air Canada Arena, walk inside and visualize Oklahoma City getting absolutely pounded for four quarters. You better hurry, because I’m staring down that Buy It Now button right now.
9. D.J. White’s rookie card. I’d buy the card for D.J.’s insanely awesome smile and pose alone. Seriously, take a gander at that. I also like that at the time the card was made, OKC didn’t have uniforms, so D.J. was in the generic Adidas warmups. That’ll make it rare in 50 years.
8. Framed Kevin Durant signed picture. For the low price of $149.99, you can have KD’s signature to look at all the time! How awesome! I’d buy this bad boy just to burn it. In Royce’s “Top 50 Things That Piss Me Off,” a grown man getting an autograph of an athlete ranks right around 42, but a grown man getting an autograph and then promptly turning around and selling it, is definitely in the top 10. I think it should be federal law that if you are over the age of 16, you aren’t allowed to get an autograph unless you have signed documentation proving it is for a person under 16. And also, if you are attempting to get an autograph from an athlete with the intention of selling it two days later, you will immediately be set on fire. I’m sure when KD signed it that person said, “Thanks Kevin. You’re the man. You’re the MAN! Thanks so much!” when they were really thinking, “Thanks KD for making me 150 bucks. Amazing that me standing here and having you scribble something on your picture is going to make me this much money. I bet that dumb kid behind me wishes he was me right now. Too bad he forgot to bring a pen. Idiot. Now I’m going to go kill a puppy.”
6. Thunder floor mats for your automobile. I think this item really speaks for itself. You’ve got to love sports marketing. “Uh, what else can we slap our logo on and sell? Can we put it on Bible’s? Can we do that? How about garden tools? You think someone would buy that? Or better yet, people’s lawns. Let’s get a decal that covers someone’s entire yard.” Keep Reading…