The state of Oklahoma and the District of Columbia are waging war over the rights to one of each’s all-time favorite residents. Both places have a proud heritage of other famous and much beloved citizens.
But who comes out on top when it comes to famous first sons (and daughters), and which should KD be more proud to call himself a club member of- OKC or DC?
DT Unplugged pits OKC against DC in a celebrity turf war!
Best Actor: James Garner vs. Samuel L. Jackson
Look, I love Bret Maverick just as much as any Oklahoma born and bred boy should love one of the biggest Sooners celebrities of all time, but WHAT ABOUT THESE MOTHER*#&$ING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER*#&$ING PLANE?
Best Musical Artist: Garth Brooks vs. Marvin Gaye
If I want a nice romantic night in with the Mrs., well then I’m gonna have to get married first. But after I do, Mr. Gaye’s babymaking music will probably be my bedroom’s constantly looping soundtrack. But Yukon’s favorite son is one of the biggest selling musicians of all time.
Greatest Athlete: Jim Thorpe vs. Elgin Baylor
Baylor is (for the moment) the greatest of a long line of great hoops stars from DC. He’s an 11-time All Star, a Hall of Famer, a Rookie of the Year, and he appeared in 8 NBA Finals. Cool story, bro. Jim Thorpe is just widely known by every human being on earth as the greatest athlete to ever live.
Funniest Person: Bill Hader vs. Dave Chappelle
Hader is probably the funniest SNL alumni since the glory days of Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Phil Hartman and Mike Meyers. But as talented and hilarious as the Tulsa native is, Chappelle is the funniest man alive. Anyone who chooses Hader here, all I have to say to you is, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug.”
Sexiest Male: Brad Pitt vs. Justin Theroux
Otherwise known as the Battle of the Jennifer Aniston Beaus Past and Present. Even though Pitt more than likely cheated on her with Jon Voight’s weird-hot daughter, even Rachel Green would vote for Tyler Durden here.
Sexiest Female: Olivia Munn vs. Katherine Heigl
Olivia, obviously born in Heaven but sent immediately as a gift from God to the citizens of Oklahoma City, is hot enough to score not just the studly high school quarterback… but the studliest quarterback in the entire world. Touchdown! What was Katherine’s hotness able to land her? Seth Rogen. Fumble.
Best Sports Personality: Skip Bayless vs. David Aldridge
Biggest Sweetheart: Kristin Chenoweth vs. Goldie Hawn
There are two sects of people who know what a hugely talented sweetheart self-proclaimed greatest Thunder fan Chenoweth is: Oklahomans and fans of Glee and Broadway musicals. Goldie is such an iconic sweetheart that once her reign as America’s Sweetheart was done, she had a child and her delightful DNA then took the crown.
Biggest Badass: Chuck Norris vs. Dave Bautista
Known as Batista to wrestling fans and as Drax the Destroyer to movie fans, Bautista is a six-time champion and is the longest-reigning days world heavyweight champ in WWE history. That’s cute. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. One more? One more. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Best Businessman: Sam Walton vs. Ted Lerner
The owner of the Washington Nationals is worth nearly $5 billion and earned his wealth by founding the real estate company Lerner Enterprises. By all accounts, he’s a good and generous human being. But he hasn’t ever helped you buy toilet paper, a Duck Dynasty t-shirt, a Gremlins DVD from a bargain bin and a 12-pack of Mountain Dew all for $14 on a random Tuesday night run at 1a.m., now has he?
Final count: OKC 6, DC 4
Well, I guess that settles it. KD would be a member of a much more regal and celebrated club if he stayed in Oklahoma City. So put away those KD2DC signs, Wiz fans. DT Unplugged has spoken.