Conversations with Kendrick Perkins

Kendrick Perkins’ trash-talking diatribes have been one of my favorite parts of the latter stages of the regular season. I don’t mind the technical fouls they often generate because he hasn’t played enough games to bump up against the suspension threshold.

Instead, they make me laugh out loud. Not only because of Perkins’ scowl, but for how long he keeps talking. Some of them last a solid 30 seconds or even a minute, which is actually a really long time if you think about it. If it seemed to affect his play, it would be a different story — I wouldn’t think they’re so funny. But it doesn’t. It seems to affect his targets more than himself, and the Thunder has a little bit more of an edge with Perkins in the fold. When he gets mad at someone, I’ll chuckle and share an imaginary conversation with Mrs. Patrick James guessing what he has said.

But recently I’ve become tired of the pretend conversations and wanted to see what Perk is actually saying. I found video and tried my best to lip read and see what’s been said. I even managed to find a a less-publicized confrontation or two he’s had during his time in Oklahoma City. Here are a few notable exchanges:

Perkins vs. Nene

Nene: &$^! you &*#@$@*&%^#@!!!

Perkins: Sir, I must warn you that you have pushed me close to the edge. I have as much of a right to the basketball as you. It’s true, you can look it up in the rule book. Rebounding is a nasty business, but you shouldn’t be so thin-skinned.

Nene: You punk &*#$% what the @#$* are you talking about?

Perkins: If you approach me with such unnecessary force again, there will be consequences. Dire consequences. Keep your head in the game, my friend.

Nene: … Go $@&% yourself!

Perkins: That’s physically impossible. And in any case, I resent your confrontational nature. This is a game and it’s supposed to be fun. Let’s get to the other side of the court and play like gentlemen.

Perkins vs. referee

Perkins: No! My good man, that was most certainly not a moving screen. My feet were set and my body was stationary.

Ref: No. You were moving. You do it all the time.

Perkins: Nay, sir. I insist that it only appeared as if I were moving. I’m 6-10 280 with a couple of knees that aren’t at full strength, it just takes a second to get my body to stop. I’m a bit like a human freight train. You must provide me some leeway.

Ref: I will. When you don’t move.

Perkins: The fans here in Oklahoma City clearly did not see what you saw. They appear to agree with me. More than 18,000 people can’t be wrong.

Ref: Except when they are. Why don’t you move along before you get T’d up?

Perkins: But sir, I must be allowed to explain my side of the story at the very least. My teammates and I are in an important battle for playoff seeding, and every foul counts. My only humble request is that you take extra care in evaluating my body positioning when I set screens, especially when I’m trying to free up Kevin Durant. Allow yourself to be mesmerized by his jumper, don’t focus on the dirty work I must perform to allow it to happen. I implore you.

Perkins vs. driver who cut him off

Perkins: You not only endangered me, but also your passenger! That kind of driving has no place in a civilized society.

Driver: *#@% off!

Perkins: I most certainly will not. Clearly you were in the wrong, and you owe me an apology. You could easily have slid in behind me as you attempted to enter the freeway back there. Instead, I had to slam on my breaks to avoid you, and I’ve spilled my sparkling water on the interior of my luxury sport utility vehicle.

Driver: I ain’t apologizing to no one! Wait, are you Kendrick Perkins?

Perkins: Indeed I am. But I have a feeling I’m not the only driver whom you’ve endangered today. I would hope you show each motorist respect and drive defensively.

Driver: Oh man, I’m sorry dude. Please don’t hurt me. I love the Thunder.

Perkins: Carry on, my good man. All is forgiven.

Perkins vs. Andre Miller

Miller: $&@% you!

Perkins: Mr. Miller, I must ask you to refrain from using filthy language. In case you have not noticed, there are several children within earshot. Their parents surely did not bring them to a sporting match to learn words they shouldn’t use.

Miller: $@&%! I don’t give a ^$@#!

Perkins: Then shame on you. And by the way, if you haven’t noticed, you might take a moment to remember I am much larger than you. Allow me to suggest, in the strongest possible terms, that it is quite likely to be detrimental to your health if you choose to escalate this unfortunate confrontation and make it physical.

Perkins vs. someone wearing a Pau Gasol jersey

Perkins: Excuse me, but may I be so bold as to ask you why you have chosen Pau Gasol as a basketball player to whom you pay tribute by wearing his jersey?

Gasol guy: Because the Lakers rule, dude! GO LAKERS!

Perkins: As someone who has played against him, I can assure you there are better options if you insist on wearing a Lakers jersey. Gasol lacks internal fortitude, and is truly ghastly in appearance.

Gasol guy: Dude, whatever. GO LAKERS!

Perkins: Your argument is stale. You seem to be a bandwagon fan. Tell me, who is the greatest Laker of all time!

Gasol guy: Kobe baby! Kobe’s the best player of all time, not just on the Lakers! GO LAKERS, DUDE, YEAH!

Perkins: You cannot be saved. Your Lakers shall be vanquished in the playoffs, mark my words. &@%! Pau Gasol!