Side Part: Modern man

I. When you go to Enes Kanter’s complete bio on NBA.com it tells you his favorite TV show is SpongeBob SquarePants. Imagine him losing his mind at Patrick asking if mayonnaise is an instrument. Imagine him laughing at Handsome Squidward. Imagine him singing the song. His favorite subject at Kentucky was geology. He says if he wasn’t playing basketball he’d be an astronaut. It says, and I swear this is true, that his nickname is “The Underkanter.”

How does that t-shirt not exist? What if professional basketball players had their own individual merch tables in the arenas before, during, and after the game? What if they got on the mic after the final buzzer and said, “We’ve got shirts, posters, mugs in the back. Would love for you stop by and say hi.” There should be a “The Underkanter” shirt. Kanter should white out his eyes for one of the white out playoff games.

Kanter is a modern man. Have you seen his cooking show? You have, surely, because you’re always welcomed back to Kitchen 11.

Delicious dishes shot straight from his heart into yours. We’ve only gotten three episodes thus far, but they have been stellar, compelling programming. He’s made you turkey for Thanksgiving, herb crusted lamb loin, and sushi, all while wearing quality, conservative polos, and a quality, progressive mustache.

II. The Steven Adams-Enes Kanter relationship is a great and hilarious one. There are Stache Brothers T-shirts. Adams is the Kanter Whisperer.

How many times has Adams called Kanter “mate” this year? Have we broken six figures? What do you think they talk about when they’re riding around together? There’s no way it’s only about basketball.

III. Who is the saddest clown? Chip Baskets, or Reggie Jackson?

IV. It’s not true that this whole season has all been foreplay, but it feels that way. As if all that’s happened so far has been to get warm, some kind of glorified stretching. The real thing is just about here.