The Side Part: Kendrick Perkins on Fast & Furious 6

Kendrick Perkins is a big fan of the Fast and the Furious franchise. Knowing that, we asked him to review the most recent installment of the series, Fast & Furious 6. These are his words.*

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Yo. Don’t even know where to start. What a film. This was exactly what I wanted. EXACTLY. Vanity loved it, too. We went to Macaroni Grill and then walked over to Harkins. Don’t know if any of you have ever been to Macaroni Grill. It’s this nice little Italian joint. I highly recommend it. Their fettuccine was the truth. Really, just a great night.

I suppose it should be said that this is a review of the movie, not a recap. There will be no spoilers here. If you haven’t seen it, no worries. I got you. Also, if you haven’t seen it, going to need to ask you what is wrong with you? What are you doing with yourself and your life that you have been depriving it of the greatest pleasure on earth? This movie is a slice of heaven, coated in NOS, powered by steroids. This is every dream coming true, pretty much. Yea. That’s what I’m saying. I’m going with that. Dream.

I don’t care who you are, director Justin Lin just made your dream, if you are in possession of a heart and a soul to call your own, come true.

This was the movie equivalent of us in OKC winning seven straight titles. I know that seems like an overreaction to some of you, but that is because you suck. Just an incredible display of filmmaking by Lin here. Truly amazing work. I’m sure come award season he’ll get iced out in favor of “art”, but this is hero work. This is putting up 40 with the flu on one leg with both hands tied behind your back and a blindfold on while you have to listen to Taylor Swift hooks over and over again.

I want to talk about so much, but apparently there’s a word limit so I’ve got to maintain some semblance of restraint. Please believe, though, I want to tell you everything about this film. Despite the word count, I will take the time to tell you that the trailers before the movie began were, in order, RIPD, Man of Steel, 2 Guns, The Wolverine, White House Down, and World War Z. Not much to say there except that in RIPD Jeff Bridges is pretty much recycling his accent from the True Grit remake, and in White House Down apparently Jamie Foxx, playing the President of the United States, says “Get your hands off my Jordans” to a terrorist while he kicks him in the face SO I WILL BE SEEING BOTH OF THEM JOINTS.

As for the film you came to read about, though, it opens on Vin Diesel (from here on out he’ll be called “Dom”) and Paul Walker (from here on out he’ll be called “P-Dubs”) racing each other along a windy ocean view road in Canary Islands, Spain. I know it’s in Canary Islands, Spain because, yo, they put that right in the corner of the screen so you know what’s up. Lin making sure all parties concerned are in the know. Sidebar: Going to look into some vacation spots in the Canary Islands. Vanity would dig that place and it seems like a good spot to wind down after a long season.

Anyways, our two heroes wind up at some weird convent/hospital looking thing with P-Dubs looking all concerned and some nuns telling him that his girl, Mia, is in labor. Party time. Just as P-Dubs is about to go into the delivery room, though, Dom feels the need to impart some knowledge upon the star of Meet The Deedles.

“The second you go through those doors, everything changes,” says Dom, “Our old life is done.”

Cut to 2 Chaaaiiiiiiinzzzz and Wiz Khalifa singing this and an all kinds of dope montage of all the past ICONIC scenes in the Fast and the Furious franchise.

From there the movie winds and bends at breakneck speeds from Russia to London to LA to Tokyo to Spain to the edges of sanity to OH MAN THEY GOT A TANK. You know how Russ plays ball? That’s how all these dudes and ladies drive. Just complete recklessness, but in the best way. Everyone’s back, though. Dom and P-Dubs. Ludacris. Tyrese. Jordana Brewster. Michelle Rodriguez. The Rock. Sung Kang. Gal Gadot. The works, essentially.

To give some context to those of you who have been in comas for the past twelve years who haven’t been witness to the franchise’s development, Dominic Torretto, the crew leader who is all about family, is basically the Kevin Durant of driving. Weirdly, I’d consider Hobbs, a Diplomatic Security Service Agent played by The Rock, the closest available comparison to Russ. He takes no prisoners and leaves a pretty heavy wake anywhere he goes. Dude is like me only in that he don’t like being moved. Feel me? I won’t go into any other comps because none of them would make sense but ok if you’re asking I’m probably most like Tyrese because my singing voice is nice like that. For real. Vanity has me singing all the time. Don’t sleep on me flowing to The Temptations or some Jon B. or something.

Back to the movie, though. Ultimately, in this installment of the greatest collection of films in the history of this planet, they’re pulled back into duty by Hobbs because this bad British bro named Owen Shaw is trying to steal this bad computer chip that can do some real damage if bad people get their hands on it. The reason Dom is all “Oh, I’m in” about the mission is because his old chick, Letty, is with Shaw’s crew. Yea, that’s right, FuriousHeads. You read that correctly. Letty. The girl who Dom used to be with who was supposed to be dead. I’m not giving anything away. That Letty stuff’s in the trailer. Chill.

The rest of the movie is helicopter shots and planes blowing up and super strong wires being shot at super fast moving objects and girl fights and guy fights and diving from cars being run over by tanks to other cars that are not being run over by tanks. The Rock is probably the MVP of the whole thing. Homey has mastered the art of the tough guy one liner like nobody you’ve ever seen. You know how y’all think I talk when I’m scowling? He talks like that. In reality, I’m a teddy bear. He’s a fully grown grizzly.

I guess the truest thing I could say would be that this film is every bit as good as Citizen Kane. You know, if they had Ford Mustangs back then and Charles Foster Kane drank whole gallons of Muscle Milk and said “Corona Light” instead of “Rosebud”. Then, after he said it, Ludacris was there to make fun of how he talked.

The movie, and really the whole franchise, is about family and loyalty and doing what’s right. It’s about sacrificing for the greater good. It’s about being dope. Basically, it’s about everything that we in the Thunder organization are about.

So get off your couch, head to Harkins, and go see the movie. Tell ‘em Perk sent you. For real, tell them that. I get some referral credit I can use at the concession stand if you go in there and say my name. Raisinets ain’t cheap.

Ride or die,

Perk

*These are not Perk’s words. He’d probably hate these words.